I have to be honest with you, I wasn't planning on writing a blog post tonight. After a frustrating day at work (don't get me started.....I'd probably get myself fired) I came home and painted my nails. Painting my nails always makes me feel good, especially when I do a good job. So I was feeling good. I watched 10 Things I Hate About You while letting my nails dry and sipped on some delicious vanilla chai iced tea. I was chill. I was calm. I was excited about meeting with a doctor for a second opinion on the psychological treatment plan I've been on and if there were any better options out there tomorrow afternoon with my parents. I was good. And then I got a notification that Chester Bennington died by suicide. I couldn't let that go without putting my thoughts onto virtual paper.
Now I'll keep it 100% honest and tell you that I don't know that much about Linkin Park. I use their Bleed It Out as one of my inspirational running songs. But honestly I discovered that song by accident and don't really listen to anything else by them. Well of course that is changing tonight. I've made my Linkin Park playlist on iTunes and will listen to it as I type this blog post and as I drive to work and the doctor's appointment tomorrow. Who knows how long I'll listen to it. It isn't my typical type of music I listen to but I feel a connection now. Not sure why, I mean I don't know what it feels like to lose someone close to me to suicide, but I do know what it feels like to feel like the only solution to the pain and despair is to end it all.
When you are low, like really, really low, like there is no reason to get out of bed, or there is no reason to get into bed in the first place, or there is no reason to even call a friend cause really who gives a shit about me anyway, all you know is that you are a drag to be around and for sure your friends don't want to be dragged down by you. But oh how wrong that sick mind is! It is exactly at those moments, at those instants of just wanting to throw in the towel that you MUST, you MUST reach out. You MUST talk to someone, if only for 5 minutes to get you outside of your head. You MUST be told that there is a world outside of your depression. You MUST be shown that you are loved and needed and most importantly, you MUST be told that YOU.DO.MATTER!!!!!
I wish that someone had realized how large Chester Bennington's demons had become to him. I wish there had been that split second that either Chester had asked for the strength to fight back his demons, or better yet, I wish there had been that split second that someone close to him had seen how real the struggle was and to take him by the hand and help him back from the brink. When your demons are that real and that large and that all-encompassing it is SOOOOOO hard to ask for the help you so desperately need. To be honest, if my mother didn't keep such close tabs on me and variations from my normal I'm completely sure I would not still be here. I surely would have self-destructed by now.
I guess the point of this blog is a) to get the huge amount of emotions I'm having with the news of Chester Benninton's death by suicide out and organized somehow and b) to let anyone reading who is feeling any of the feelings either I've mentioned or some of the articles mention that there IS help. There ARE trained professionals out there to help you see through the fog of mental illness and start on your road to recovery, even if you are 100% sure there is no way to recover. There ARE friends who are out there who are more than willing to take you literally by the hand and help you take the first, and second, and third, and possibly fourth, step on the road to getting help. Please do not give up the fight. Please fight tooth and nail, fight with everything you have to give, even if you feel as though you have nothing to give, fight, fight, fight to live, if only long enough to breathe another breath. Then fight to take the next breath and the next. Fight to get the care you deserve. Fight to find the right team of professionals to help you.
Fight for your life. YOU ARE WORTH EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT!!!!!!
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.
Why I'm Blogging
Just your average 40 something trying to find the way in which she can make sense of her life. I hope you'll join me for this journey.