However long it's been taking, however difficult it's seemed, or however lonely you've become, Rachel, remember, you live in a dream world where literally tomorrow, everything can radically change for the better.
Especially when you've been visualizing.
Love, love -
Everyday I receive an email from "The Universe." My good friend told me about this website, The Universe Talks, http://www.tut.com/, and you sign up for daily emails. Now these emails are different because they are custom tailored to you and your season of life. As part of the sign up you fill in questions and select from menus. Mike Dooley really wants to get to know you--I mean, as much as one can get to know you through a bunch of questions. And so I get a daily dose of wisdom from The Universe.
Today's daily dose was especially apropos after the night and week I had. To give a little back story, for the past two weeks I've felt fluttery. It is the only way I can describe it. I can't settle, I need to keep moving, but to keep from getting manic I sit still as a statue. Totally makes no sense, I understand that. Anyway, with all of that came a ton of panic and anxiety. Every night, almost as soon as the sun set, I would take an anti-nausea and a Klonopin. One Klonopin no longer took the edge off. I now regularly was taking two, twice the prescribed dosage.
On Sunday I developed a something or other. Had a 102 degree fever. Throat hurt. Ear hurt. Felt pretty crummy. Well last night, Wednesday night, my face, throat, and ear felt like they were going to explode! I was in pain. I went to Urgent Care at 9:34pm. They checked me out, declared I had a sinus infection, and prescribed Augmenten. It was too late for me to eat so I elected to start the regimen on Thursday morning instead. Well, feeling so poorly, having the nose drippage into my stomach, pushed me over the panic edge. From 10:30 pm until 1:00 am I was in full on, no holds barred, panic attack mode. I was hot, sweaty, my full body was shaking uncontrollably, I was CONVINCED, CONVINCED!! I was about to throw up. I couldn't calm down, I couldn't sit still, I couldn't breath slow and deep. I was a wreck! Thank goodness one of my friends was up watching the World Series and could text with me. She sat on the phone with me from about 11:00 pm until 1:00 am when I finally fell asleep mid-text. I don't know what I would have done without her being there for me.
The point of that is that, "however long it's been taking, however difficult it's seemed, or however lonely you've become, Rachel, remember, you live in a dream world where literally tomorrow, everything can radically change for the better." And that is what I am hoping for, but not without doing some of the work, or the visualizing. I saw my therapist this morning at 7:45 am. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon at 3:30 pm. He prescribed Valium to help break me out of this sun-down panic state I'm currently repeating. I will see my acupuncturist tomorrow at 4:00 pm where we will discuss some mindfulness activities and classes I can take to give myself more tools for my anti-panic toolbox.
I am taking what I learned at the NAMI Maryland Annual Conference about recovery being an active choice to heart. I am willing to do the work. I am willing to put in the time. I am worth it and if I don't do it for myself why would I expected anyone else to do it for me?
How do you visualize yourself to a better present? Do you try? I'd love to hear.
Why I'm Blogging
Just your average 40 something trying to find the way in which she can make sense of her life. I hope you'll join me for this journey.