So let me give you my day in bullet points:
I am sitting with my planner supplies in front of me, planner open to next week, sticky notes dotting the week letting me know when I have what (and I pre-plan using sticky notes just in case something changes, but the weekend before the next week I put the stickers in and plans are set!) I sit and survey my supplies and a sense of calm, or peacefulness, of tranquility settles over my whole body. My legs are a little sore from my run this morning. I am sipping a cold, delicious iced tea, and a slight breeze is blowing across my arms and legs. I must have spent over an hour and a half working in my planner. Many people, if they're not planner people don't understand how anyone can spend that much time planning out the next week, but man, if you get it, you GET IT.
overspending, which is how my mania manifests itself, and 10% of it would be happy with friends.
That's not a great breakdown if you look at life like that. But my therapist's point was that I've done an amazing job of doing the everyday things, like getting out of bed. Like finishing college in four years. Like holding down a job, even with the number of days I've missed. Like graduating graduate school. Like living on my own. Like remaining alive even when the desire to not be alive is so much stronger than I can even describe.
I spoke with my mother after my run, so I knew she'd be awake. I made the point that while she and my father have ALWAYS been super supportive I didn't think they really knew how hard a struggle it is for me to be appropriate to be in public, to be social, to be with other people. I assured my mother that I knew they loved me and would never give up on me, but I wasn't convinced that they knew how hard it really is for me 80% of the time. To this my mother responded that she and my father did, indeed, understand how hard things were for me. I have to take her at her word, that they really do know how hard the thought of facing another day, in public, interacting with others in an appropriate manner is for me? Do they really know how good shopping at expensive stores and buying EXACTLY what I want, regardless of price, feels to me? Do they know that for the brief 10% of the time, when I'm with my friends how fleeting that feeling is to me?
My therapist also made the point that even during that 80% of the time that sucks I am still compliant with my medications. I still make it to every therapist appointment. I still manage to wake up and shower (most of the time) and make it into work (most of the time). Her point was that even with my struggle, which is REAL, and which is LARGE, I still manage to be Rachel the "good girl."
So when I experience a day like today, perfect weather, perfect planning environment, perfect beverage, perfect lighting, I need to embrace it. Enjoy it. Experience it. My previous plan was to go downtown to a museum and sketch, which is something I haven't done in ages. Would it have felt good? For sure. Would I have been pleased with what I created? Probably. But you know what? I am so much more content right here at Peet's. I didn't even have to hop on the Metro to get here. And I'll be home in about 3 minutes flat when I'm done here.
Sometimes the best things are the things you find right in your own backyard (metaphorically of course).
Have a wonderful day and make sure to embrace all that you are given during those 24 hours.
Why I'm Blogging
Just your average 40 something trying to find the way in which she can make sense of her life. I hope you'll join me for this journey.